Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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