Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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