Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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