Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
