Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
