You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
