I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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