Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
