i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
