he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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