I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You left your phone here
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