who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
