life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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