you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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