So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
