I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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