I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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