i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's blow job season.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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