I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
