Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
