When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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