Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
