Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
