I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
