i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
