You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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