dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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