Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
