i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
