erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
