Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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