I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
