It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
