yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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