Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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