Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
