So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
