There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
