Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
