now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
