Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
