Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
