Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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