i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
