After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
