dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
