Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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