she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
