I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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