what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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